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Old 06-08-2013, 03:08 AM
buildabearmodeling
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Yoooooo hooooooooo our school production tomorrow. I cant wait. We are doing alice in wonderland and of corse I am alice. I know all my words. Its gonna be great




I was just looking back through my diary. I seemed so happy and exited there. I would panick the moment I set foot to that stage now.




The production was going well.a few people forgot a line or two but it was ok. I began drinking potions and walking around the stage. It was when the spider that it happened. I carried on trying to look cashual but I suddenly took to muck notice of the spider and fell off the stage. I heard the screams of mum and gran and the laughter of all the kids.






Part 2 coming soon
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Old 06-18-2013, 01:29 PM
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This is awesome! PLEASE continue!
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:04 PM
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I wake up and have to close my eyes again. Someone is shining a bright light in my eye. "Good girl libby". Says a voice. It sounds like mum authough her voice is corse from crying. She then explaines that I fainted and came I an ambulance. "The play was cancelled olivia". My face scrunced up as I started crying." Hey mind that head" gran said sternely. I feel around my fore head and find a moist spot. I run my fingers along more and feel brokem skin. I open my eyes and waft my finger in front of my face. BLOOD. "We are waitinh for the doc to stich you up darIing" mum says ahain and kisses my bloody cheek.


To be continued♡♥♡
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Old 06-21-2013, 01:05 AM
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This is... interesting. There's a lot of grammar and spelling errors, and the format you're writing in isn't very easy on the eyes. You should try to write in small little chunks/paragraphs, instead of this long one. Try extending the chapters, so they aren't so short. You definitely could of combined part 1 & part 2, to make it longer. It's an okay plot, really, you just need help with the grammar, spelling, and format. I've gone ahead and fixed up part 1 to how I would write it.

Dear Diary,
Our school production of 'Alice in Wonderland' is tomorrow. I'm Alice, of course, and I simply cant wait. It's going to be perfect, and I've made sure of it. I've memorized all of my lines, and my costume fits me just right. Nobody will forget this play.


I looked up from my diary, a smile on my face. From what I had written, I seemed so happy and excited for this play. Little did I know, I would panic the moment I set foot on that stage.

The production was going well. Some of the actors with minor parts forgot a line or two, but after the stage director made frantic hand signals and mouthed their forgotten lines, it turned out okay.

When I stepped foot onto the stage, I recited my lines just as I was supposed to, I began drinking potions and walking around the stage, just as I had rehearsed. And then I saw the spider.

I continued saying all of my lines, taking a bite of the cake placed on the table, and tried to look, well, casual. But my eyes kept fluttering towards the spider every few seconds, and then I finally lost it.

All I managed to do was stutter out one last line and march towards the end of stage,as rehearsed, before my knees buckled, and I tumbled right off the stage.

I could only hear the screams from my mum and grandmother, quickly being drowned out by the laughter of the other kids, before everything went black.

----

I think it'd be cool if every chapter, you started out with a quick Diary entry. Gives your story a bit of spice.
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Old 06-30-2013, 03:09 AM
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Dear diary,
I am still in hospital.
My head feels weird still , like I am missing something but I try to get over it.

The pain is getting better authough I have broken my leg. Mum tried to fine my school and there is going to be a court hearing. I will go, but not until I am better.

On tuesday mum brought me a dress for going to court in. She rushed onto the ward
with it. It is black with lace around the neck and bottom and lace around the 3 quarter leanth sleeves. Emily loved it.

Emily is my nurse. She sits here night after night while I sob for mum.

Dinners ready. Hospital bangers and mash

Yuck
  #6  
Old 06-30-2013, 02:27 PM
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No more blood! Ah! I'm gonna pass out.
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Old 06-30-2013, 02:31 PM
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Its ok she is getting better
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